Mats Strandberg

Sånt här är aldrig så kul som klockan tre på natten.

The official poo guide:

1: THE GHOST POO

The kind of poo where you feel it come out and you know you’vr done it but when you wipe there is nothing on the paper and there is no poo in the toilet. Where did it go?

2: THE CLEAN POO

The sort of poo which is so smooth and streamlined that it virtually falls out of your bottom. You can see poo in the toilet but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

3: THE HOT TAR POO

The kind of poo where even after 50 wipes you are still getting staining on the paper so you have to put some bog roll between your bum cheeks and in your underwear to prevent skid marks.

4: THE SECOND THOUGHT POO

Just as you think you’ve finished your poo and you have painstakingly wiped yourself clean and pulled up your undies to the knee, you realise there is some more poo to come out!

5: THE LINCOLN LOG POO

The kind of poo that’s so huge you’re afraid that it will not flush down the toilet unless you break it up into pieces with the bog brush. This poo only happens when you are at somebody else’s house.

6. THE SWEETCORN POO

Self explanatory

7: THE ‘WISH I COULD POO’ POO

You really feel as you need to poo but every time you try, all you manage is a couple of fart.

8: THE ‘SIDE BIRTH’ OR THE BOO-HOO POO

This poo hurts so much that you swear it is coming out sideways- your eyes water and you think you will need stitches.

9: THE FISHERMANS BOBBER OR FLOATING POO

You do your poo and flush two times but there are still several golf ball size pieces floating on the water line.

10: THE SULTANA POO

Tis type of poo is really frustrating. You get yourself ready for a ‘side-birth’ and spend about half an hour sweating it out on the bog, but all you manage is a small plop resembling a sultana.

11: THE ‘KLINGON’ OR THE ‘DANGLER’ POO

This kind of poo usually comes at the end of a ‘HOT TAR’ poo, and just refuses to fall off of your bottom, even after shaking your bum about.